316

as the year pass, i see more 21st parties going by...

yes, i have turned 21.

by the end of year, i would have died,

not the end of the world, but because of jealousy.

'why can't mine be as fun?'

'where are all my photos of my 21st?'

'why were there only 6?'

'how come the people whom i thought closest to me, were the ones who didn't wish me?'

and 'why wasn't i invited?'

very materialistic thoughts of me, but i guess these were what i really wanted?

in fact i didn't even mind the lack of presents, honestly.

but i mind the lack of wishes, especially those who i regard dear to me.

these thoughts just keep popping out of mind.

whenever i feel down, these thoughts know the moment to drag me down further.

dark thoughts.

poker face i give, but, i guess i always hide my true feelings..

2012 please fly by quickly...

[yisong]

315

some things that i want to share with you, to me, it just can't wait.
not to bathe, not to change out, not to eat, not to sleep, not to play my computer games.
so why wouldn't you just hear me out till i end?
don't you realise there isn't any other people that i can share these stories with, other than you or him?

just lend me your ear.

[yisong]

314

lol, this blog is still being read. by you.

was all of it worth it?

i think so,

no, i believe so (:

[yisong]

313

i'm like the only one that bothers about friends who i'm not that close with. it's not the other way around.

oh wait, do i even have those i'm close with? :\

[yisong]

-sensitivity:(

312

the big picture vs the ground.

the big picture won.

will it always remain like this?

i'm really disappointed. not because the big picture won. but its like life JUSTS goes on now that he won.

i believe life would be a little (or maybe much) more interesting if the ground had won.

oh well, now we wait for another 6 years.

this again...tsk

i'm still trying to find a direction, i see many, but i am very uncertain.

i'm weighing chances, risks and opportunities.

of what i can become,

of what i was meant to be

of what i will experience

of so much more.

but yet there can only be one.

clear the fog, pave the way, make it clear,

of where i should be one day...

it ain't going to be easy from now on...

[yisong]

311

i keep running, and running. but i don't know what i'm chasing.

this sucks...

p.s sorry i don't complete my blog post. and i probably never will. bad habit of mine.

310

let's talk about firsts,

many meanings to the word, but i shall share my understanding of it.

afterall, i've been surrounded by 'firsts' and other meanings of it since the feb last year.

let's explore,

FIRST, as a noun, first in competitions, first in the line

FIRST, as an adjective, first to arrive, first stage

FIRST, as an adverb, for the first time

many more :\

well, let's talk about first as a noun,

first in a race, first in ranking..

we all want to be winners. i'm sure. even if you don't show it, you mean it and you crave for it deep inside. like "oh man, how i wish i won so that "

but very sadly, only ONE can win ( that's why there's this thing "1st" ) and well, if you didn't. hmm, too bad, try again next time. personal experience? plenty. in army, during BMT, UDC, my Det came in 2nd. Lost by 3 minutes. Best time in my platoon, but not in the entire company. Anything good happened after that? No, maybe a pat in the back for doing so well in the platoon, thats all. The winners? all the glory, all the limelight, all the attention. my friend posted online, 2nd, 1st in the line of losers. how true, i thought. we pushed ourselves so hard and so bad and when we got 2nd, we got consolations, nothing more. "oh, it's just a competition for fun", "don't worry, you are still the best in our platoon", "the other team won because...". but now after looking back to that experience, winning was pretty much everything (at least in camp, not outside..okay maybe abit) you get to brag about it until now, people know you for it, instructors recognise your efforts bla bla... so who says winning ain't everything?

Winning best combat unit, 25 times, 8 times in a row. thats a feat, everybody recognises it. everyone in the world acknowledges the fact that we are special. so many units competing for it at the same time every year. is all the effort worth it? i really want to know how the best inf unit feels and those who fell short of the awards. don't they put in the same effort as well? aren't they dedicated as well?( this i really can't say, sadly ) its the same as the previous experience, just that i got the better side of it. but once you win it, (i know cos i felt it), its like you conquered the country, you brag about it, you laugh at others, you mock them (of course, all for fun), you keep harping about it...man, the feeling was great the moment the results were announced in that cookhouse. exhilirating (opps?), overwhelming, satisfying, over the moon. and, we tend to forget about the others. don't we?

hmm, tbc, brainwaves abit sot now, and i gotta go back...